"Who was the first elephant in space?"
"What are you talking about Lenny?"
"It's part of a competition."
"There never were any, Lenny. It's a trick question."
"No, it's my question."
Confusion broke out across his face like a smile gone horribly wrong.
"Look, the competition is to think of the most ridiculous quiz question you can, now are you going to help me, or am I going to have to put you in one of the questions?"
Thursday, 30 December 2010
Sunday, 19 December 2010
Emptied
Haven't posted in a while, so here's something:
Emptied
"Yeah mate, they've emptied it mate. Took the lot."
The officer understood.
"Do you have contents insurance sir?"
"I'm afraid that won't be necessary officer."
"Do we need to send our man from Forensics?"
"If he can get fingerprints, yes, but I don't think it will be strictly necessary."
"I don't understand sir..."
"They thought they were stealing our presents you see, only all the boxes were empty."
"Empty, sir?"
"Yes, a little trick of mine to stop the children finding out what they have. You know, shaking the box or tearing a corner of wrapping paper."
"I see..."
"I just wish I could have seen their faces..."
Emptied
"Yeah mate, they've emptied it mate. Took the lot."
The officer understood.
"Do you have contents insurance sir?"
"I'm afraid that won't be necessary officer."
"Do we need to send our man from Forensics?"
"If he can get fingerprints, yes, but I don't think it will be strictly necessary."
"I don't understand sir..."
"They thought they were stealing our presents you see, only all the boxes were empty."
"Empty, sir?"
"Yes, a little trick of mine to stop the children finding out what they have. You know, shaking the box or tearing a corner of wrapping paper."
"I see..."
"I just wish I could have seen their faces..."
Thursday, 25 November 2010
ISSUE 4 IS HERE!
The mammoth 32 page issue is here.
Due to my shoddy cropping skills, the final word on page 32 "encouraged" was cut off. Oh well.
http://www.mediafire.com/file/77msd1u6461o81m/Mindsweeper4.pdf
please use newer link posted, as it is a smaller download. Thank you (edited by Tom :) )
Download, and give feedback :)
Due to my shoddy cropping skills, the final word on page 32 "encouraged" was cut off. Oh well.
please use newer link posted, as it is a smaller download. Thank you (edited by Tom :) )
Download, and give feedback :)
Thursday, 11 November 2010
Mindsweeper 3.5
A short blast before issue 4... which is coming soon... all 32 pages of it!
6 pages to whet the appetite...
http://www.mediafire.com/file/186obl1nknh51gy/Mindsweeper3.5.pdf
Feedback encouraged.
6 pages to whet the appetite...
http://www.mediafire.com/file/186obl1nknh51gy/Mindsweeper3.5.pdf
Feedback encouraged.
Tuesday, 26 October 2010
Girlfriend
My girlfriend is beautiful. People often ask me if I'm jealous. Fuck that. It comes with the territory, right? You know, even if you're balls deep in something that would give a veteran prostitute a heart attack, other people will try it on. So on that score, no, I'm not jealous.
What riles me is the people who take sly photos of us together so they can stare at either one of us. Not one of those bastards had the decency to send us a copy of the beautiful photos they had taken of the two of us. And that... your Honour... is why I started shooting.
What riles me is the people who take sly photos of us together so they can stare at either one of us. Not one of those bastards had the decency to send us a copy of the beautiful photos they had taken of the two of us. And that... your Honour... is why I started shooting.
Wednesday, 20 October 2010
Hold up.
She gasped when I pulled out the gun. Evidently she was not used to this kind of behaviour.
"We're a café, we don't have much money..."
I told her that's not what I wanted. She blushed and I shook my head. That's not what I wanted to steal.
"Give me all of your biscuits."
"What?"
"You heard me. The biscuits. All of them."
Seventeen boxes. I should have asked her for a coffee to go.
"We're a café, we don't have much money..."
I told her that's not what I wanted. She blushed and I shook my head. That's not what I wanted to steal.
"Give me all of your biscuits."
"What?"
"You heard me. The biscuits. All of them."
Seventeen boxes. I should have asked her for a coffee to go.
Saturday, 16 October 2010
Dentata
A lot of guys don't know what a dentata is. It's an intravaginal device lined with barbs that essentially shreds a rapist's dick. Problem is, wearing one has its problems. You've still got some heavy asshole lying on you, pissed off as his cock gets ripped apart as he pulls back. Some of them can be real violent fucks. It's why I stopped wearing one. Even so, being an attractive women can be dangerous. You have to take precautions. That's why I now wear an intravaginal guillotine.
Sunday, 10 October 2010
Mindsweeper 1-3 Online NOW!
Mindsweeper Issue 1 - DOWNLOAD
Mindsweeper Issue 2 - DOWNLOAD
Mindsweeper Issue 3 - DOWNLOAD
As always, feedback appreciated. :)
Mindsweeper Issue 2 - DOWNLOAD
Mindsweeper Issue 3 - DOWNLOAD
As always, feedback appreciated. :)
Saturday, 2 October 2010
Melt
Melt
He'd walked past it before, and barely noticed it. He'd have sworn there was something different about it, but no soul could tell you. Darkness? No. He'd walked past it in the dark before. He gave up trying to tease it out into existence and just stared at the window.
Linda's Emporium. No explanation of what was inside. Could have been a sex shop for all he knew, what with the blackened windows. What was he being protected from?
He went inside and noticed a doormat. "Abandon hope..." it said. He couldn't help himself. The words just fell from his mouth. "All ye who enter here..."
"No... just abandon hope."
He couldn't see where the voice had come from. It appeared to be recorded. A cursory inspection gave no further clue as to the origins of the voice.
Instead his eyes fell to a candle, moulded into the shape of a businessman, coloured wax giving the image of his suit and tie.
"Scented human candle. Five pounds. Money in box on desk please."
Still no obvious home to the voice. He bought the candle and left. When he got home and placed the candle on the desk, he was unsure how it arrived with him. Tired, he lit the candle and began to read his newspaper.
A few drops landed on the paper, just a few inches off from the crossword. Grasping for tissues, he began to realise his vision was a little blurry. Finding no tissue, he wiped his nose on his sleeve. No, his nose was dry. A few more drops fell as he reached the mirror.
His eye was dripping out of his skull. Tilting his head back didn't help matters, as it his flesh also appeared to be melting.
Half-blind, he rushed back to the candle and tried to blow it out, but still it burned. He tried snuffing the candle, but the flame began to melt his waxy fingers. He held his head over the flame and let his face drip. The candle went out and everything turned black.
He'd walked past it before, and barely noticed it. He'd have sworn there was something different about it, but no soul could tell you. Darkness? No. He'd walked past it in the dark before. He gave up trying to tease it out into existence and just stared at the window.
Linda's Emporium. No explanation of what was inside. Could have been a sex shop for all he knew, what with the blackened windows. What was he being protected from?
He went inside and noticed a doormat. "Abandon hope..." it said. He couldn't help himself. The words just fell from his mouth. "All ye who enter here..."
"No... just abandon hope."
He couldn't see where the voice had come from. It appeared to be recorded. A cursory inspection gave no further clue as to the origins of the voice.
Instead his eyes fell to a candle, moulded into the shape of a businessman, coloured wax giving the image of his suit and tie.
"Scented human candle. Five pounds. Money in box on desk please."
Still no obvious home to the voice. He bought the candle and left. When he got home and placed the candle on the desk, he was unsure how it arrived with him. Tired, he lit the candle and began to read his newspaper.
A few drops landed on the paper, just a few inches off from the crossword. Grasping for tissues, he began to realise his vision was a little blurry. Finding no tissue, he wiped his nose on his sleeve. No, his nose was dry. A few more drops fell as he reached the mirror.
His eye was dripping out of his skull. Tilting his head back didn't help matters, as it his flesh also appeared to be melting.
Half-blind, he rushed back to the candle and tried to blow it out, but still it burned. He tried snuffing the candle, but the flame began to melt his waxy fingers. He held his head over the flame and let his face drip. The candle went out and everything turned black.
Wednesday, 29 September 2010
Gone.
A flick of the thumb.
Cigarette.
"Still here?"
Silence.
"WELL FUCK OFF WILL YE?"
Silence.
"I NEVER WANTED YE TO DIE ANYWAY YE SELFISH FUCK!"
Silence. A cough.
"I never wanted ye to die, ye fuckin' bastard."
Silence from the grave. More whiskey.
Cigarette.
"Still here?"
Silence.
"WELL FUCK OFF WILL YE?"
Silence.
"I NEVER WANTED YE TO DIE ANYWAY YE SELFISH FUCK!"
Silence. A cough.
"I never wanted ye to die, ye fuckin' bastard."
Silence from the grave. More whiskey.
Wednesday, 8 September 2010
Superheroes
A wave of night flows over me
I am shrouded in shadow
Encased in darkest black
Falling faster than
I can remember
And I start thinking
About my parents
And how I love them
And all that trivial shit
You never care about
When you're a kid
'cause you're too busy
Playing superheroes
Spiderman at breakfast
Batman at lunch
Superman at dinner
Then you wake up
And realise
Someone's spilled your pint.
I am shrouded in shadow
Encased in darkest black
Falling faster than
I can remember
And I start thinking
About my parents
And how I love them
And all that trivial shit
You never care about
When you're a kid
'cause you're too busy
Playing superheroes
Spiderman at breakfast
Batman at lunch
Superman at dinner
Then you wake up
And realise
Someone's spilled your pint.
Monday, 6 September 2010
Compulsive
You never see compulsive healthy eaters. You know...
The guy that wakes up craving celery.
The guy who needs an apple before he can get up in the morning.
The midnight snacker desperate for a carrot.
The fresh fruit fanatic.
Where are they?
Have they all been swallowed by the burger chompers?
Trampled to death by a stampede of meat industry employees hungry for another kill?
Perhaps they merely exist offscreen, away from the media's grasping hand. Not newsworthy, and hence obliterated from all reported existence.
Monday, 23 August 2010
Fugit
"Just run with it, doesn't matter where."
It was dark, but I could see well enough. His eyes gave me all the light I needed.
"I'm nervous," I said, unsure what he had planned for me.
"What if I get caught?"
"You won't if you keep running."
Then he handed me a pen.
It was dark, but I could see well enough. His eyes gave me all the light I needed.
"I'm nervous," I said, unsure what he had planned for me.
"What if I get caught?"
"You won't if you keep running."
Then he handed me a pen.
Sunday, 22 August 2010
Bones
Washing bones is one thing, selling them is quite another. It's a dirty, desperate, dangerous business. Just getting the bones is difficult enough.
My delivery boys have that covered, and they're competent enough to keep the organ dealers off my back. Away from my spine.
They know the rules. They trade meat, I trade bones. That's how it is, and neither of us are planning on changing. Business is good, but we could always do with more...
My delivery boys have that covered, and they're competent enough to keep the organ dealers off my back. Away from my spine.
They know the rules. They trade meat, I trade bones. That's how it is, and neither of us are planning on changing. Business is good, but we could always do with more...
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)